Pathetic Fool
by i-nv-u50
Summary: Shounen Ai, zell/squall. zell spies on squall and rinoa, and comes to terms with the fact that he loves squall. but .. squall loves rinoa. is he silly enough to say so to zell in the face of zell's declarence? ^^;;; First of three


Disclaimer: All characters here belong to Squaresoft, I'm just using them for puppets until I get my own.

Warning: Shounen Ai alert! Zell/Squall

AN: Tracey is the notorious 'girl from the library'

Hope you enjoy, this is my first FF slash, please review! ^^

Look at me. Go on, do it. You see the same Zell Dincht as you did last week, or even two days ago, don't you?

**See, I don't think I look any different either. Except for the shadows under my eyes. You know, the annoying kind you get after no sleep? Yea. And I know that same lack of sleep is a result of what I feel.**

**What do I feel, you ask? Well, up until 2 days ago, it was all quite simple. Nothing but the friendship and the closeness that comes from saving the world together. And then, 2 days ago, at a Celebration Ball, it all came crashing down. **

**It's funny, really, how many balls top ranking SeeDs are invited to. Cadets hear about the really important ones, and there are plenty of those on every month. And then, would you believe it, there are even more that not even cadets hear of. And those are the ones that are for top rankers. Like Irvine, Quistis or Selphie. Like me. Like Squall.**

**Everybody loves a good Celebration Ball. The music is good, balanced between fast and slow, proper and sometimes, once or twice during the whole night, we get to hear an inappropriate song. Think dirty. Yea.**

**The food alone is a reason to come, there are always tables and tables of it, finger foods, those little sandwiches that you end up having to eat 20 or more to start feeling full, and beverages, things like soda, or alcohol. Or course, if you're like Irvine, you'll smuggle in your own, and no one cares.**

**And then, of course, there are the people. People who look really good in SeeD uniforms and formal outfits. And then the ladies, who wear these really stunning dresses, and they smell so good, and you'd swear that they didn't fight for a living because they look so delicate. It brings shame to us pitiful male SeeD members.**

**So what's not to love? You have good music, great food, mostly friendly people, and an excuse to party all night.**

**The whole gang was there that night. Selphie was dancing with Irvine, Quistis with Nida. And Rinoa was out on the balcony with Squall.**

**Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be surprised is Squall led Rinoa out there, he isn't exactly the most sociable commander in the world, is he?**

**He isn't affectionate in public, maybe a dance if it was a ball, but no kissing, and certainly no make out sessions, nothing heavy.**

**But Rinoa was looking determined, and I had little doubt that she'd get what she wanted. So I was happily sneaking to the sliding door of the balcony to spy on them and get some blackmailing reference for another time maybe. **

**It wasn't a mean thing to do. Irvine's always doing it to Tracey and I and I'm always doing it to him and Selphie, and Selphie does it to Squall and Rinoa all the time. Maybe we need more productive hobbies. But it makes great teasing opportunities, and Selphie says Squall looks cute when he's angry. Weird. I always thought he looked angry. **

I've got to hand it to Rinoa, she works fast. After watching the sky for a few minutes, she turns to him and kisses him. And you could just see him hesitate, his eyes still open, for the smallest second, before returning the gesture. And it kinda grew from there. They were just about necking when I realized I wasn't feeling too good about it. Not even with the idea of seeing Squall angry. Surely there are other ways of making him angry?

No, it actually felt really bad. Like … like something was ripping away at my insides, layer by painful layer, just peeling them off. Sounds funny, doesn't it, now that I think about it. But it hurt. Hurt real badly.

And for a second, over the loud roaring in my ears, I thought I heard something shatter.

Which is really weird. For a second I thought it was from outside my head, and then I was sure that it was my heart. For that one little second, I was positive. And you know that saying? "Only fools are positive"? Well.. 

But that was weird too. Surely hearts can only break if you've given them to someone? And I've been really careful with that, even if it doesn't look like it. 

I dimly realized I was still watching them, clutching my glass of hard alcohol that Irvine had obviously pressed into my hands when I was scanning for Squall and Rinoa earlier. I was unable to tear my eyes away from …

From Squall. SQUALL! Squall, who was currently kissing Rinoa, still a little hesitantly. And it got stuck in my mind that he looked absolutely adorable, flushed and slightly scared looking. Angry. Heh, yea. I'd take this over anger any day. 

And then, it hit me, and it made me drop my glass, so it crashed to the floor with my life, spilling a puddle of the alcohol around my feet. Strange. It felt like all my blood had gone with it, draining out of my head, leaving me lightheaded, dizzy, and pale.

I loved Squall. 

The very same Squall that had stopped kissing Rinoa and was staring at me in confusion. Had he heard my heart? Hyne knows it was certainly beating loud enough, traitor that it was.

Rinoa was staring at my feet and I looked down to avoid Squall's now inquiring and irritated gaze, as well as to see if my bones were leaking out of my toes. I swear, by Hyne, I almost collapsed, then and there. 

Well, you'd be happy to know they weren't. It was just the shattered glass, and drink, that was now starting to soak into the hems of my pants, which were too long anyway. Rinoa looked up at my face again, and I could just _feel_ the blood start creeping back, first in trickles, then in one heated flush, which seemed to cover my entire body. Where the hell is gravity when you need it?

"It … um … it slipped out of my hand …" I feebly managed to explain the glass.

Rinoa just nodded and went back to staring up at the sky. Strange. It looked the same. 

Squall just kept looking at me, his brows drawing closer together in a puzzled expression. Ooooooo boy.

"Um … I'd better get going … late, you know. See you two love birds tomorrow!" 

Squall frowned at the comparison to a bird, and a love one at that, but Rinoa just grinned and waved at me, before winding her arms around Squall's neck. His eyes left mine, thank Hyne, and he smiled down at her. Damn him.

I felt my heart crack, and hightailed it out of there. Yes. Zell Dincht running away from Squall. Seifer would have a fit. 

That's one of the first times I've run from him, and not towards him. As I turned to go, I saw out of the corner of my eye. He was watching me leave. He whispered something to Rinoa, and I ran faster.

Thankfully, I got to the lift, just as he was exiting the ballroom. Being commander came with its prices, but for once, I didn't automatically feel Squall's annoyance for them. So saying, it was inevitable that I got to my room before he did.

I shut the door and leaned against it, slightly out of breath, and I couldn't understand why. It was a short sprint. I've run longer distances than that, I should have been fine. Then he arrived, and I noted with a completely irrational mind that he sounded sexy out of breath. Why didn't I notice that before?

"Zell, open up."

"No can do Leonhart."  
"Zell. Open the damn door."

I sighed and stood back, pulling the door open with a little tug. Squall looked up from where he had been examining the key box.

"It's broken." I told him flatly. I didn't want to do this …

"Zell, what's wrong?"

I blinked. He cared? He sounded concerned, for me, no less. Could he have known? How? What did I do?

I put on my grin: safe territory. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"  
"Because the look on your face … it … it was … I don't know." He trailed off, and sat on my bed.

My bed. It was just cruel. And it made my heart beat impossibly loud. Could he hear it? He was watching me closely, his gray eyes keeping on my face, as I just stood there, looking at him blankly, my heart arguing with me all the while. 

It was just all wrong, to feel like this, my mind pointed out. He was a guy, and he was with Rinoa. In the romantic way. No, argued my heart, beating my mind down with a stick. He's not hers, he's yours, and he always was. Why can't you see it? My mind begged me to prove it wrong, and my heart demanded I prove it right.

Who was I to deny a heart that didn't stand a chance?

I stepped closer, took a hold of his shoulders, jerked him up from the bed and kissed him.

Hard.

I think he went into shock. He sort of just froze, you know, and his hands came up a bit, as if to stop me. And I tried to force his mouth open, to show, to prove that I was what he needed, and his hand came up and slapped me. 

And then to add insult to injury, he took advantage of my dazed state, which hadn't been from the slap, and shoved me away so hard I almost fell over.

He didn't even have the decency to wait for my head to stop reeling pleasantly and spinning unpleasantly before speaking.

"What the fuck?!"  
I just blinked up at him. Curiously enough, Selphie was right. He was cute when he was angry. And for once, he actually let his anger show. Not the usual impenetrable mask that only Rinoa, damn her, can get past.

"I love you." It slipped out, honestly, it did. I wasn't planning on telling him ever. Well, maybe one day, but only when he was old enough not to kill me. Or something. Yea.

Squall seemed to be in the process of the medical definition of shock. I had obviously done enough damage with that little tongue slip. I had to get him out before I did something too drastic.

He was still frozen in the middle of the floor, uncomprehending of anything. For a second, my heart leapt, he had this look on his face, as if he were intrigued, but then he had to go and speak and ruin the moment.

"Zell, no matter, I love Rinoa and I-"

I cut him off. My poor heart was still suffering and it didn't need to completely break at this point in my life. Strange thing is, that little half sentence he spoke seemed to do more than enough damage. It hurt.

"Just go Squall."

He paused.

"Just leave, damnit Squall! You don't care, don't start now! Just go back to the love of your life, don't mind me crying my eyes out in here!"

As I half shouted, I pushed his druggishly responding body out the door, and slammed it shut, leaning against it and staring unseeing at my bed which he had vacated a few minutes before. I didn't think I'd be able to sleep in it any more.

After a few seconds I slid bonelessly down until my face was in my hands on my knees. They were starting to get wet and I let out a single sob before holding it back, where it constricted my chest till it felt like I was dying. Who knew. I might have been. But I couldn't let myself cry.

Crying was just too scary. And it hurt more than it was supposed to, the salt tears burning their way down my cheeks.

But the sob must have revived Squall, because on the other side of the door I heard him say, very quietly, as if afraid "Oh Zell… I …"

He stopped, and I heard his footsteps walk away. I listened to him leave with everything inside of me screaming at me, telling me to get up and stop him, begging him not to leave me here, not like this …

But I didn't move.

That's why I haven't slept lately. And I can keep up a façade as long as Squall isn't around, because I don't want the others to know. They don't need to know. I wont be able to handle their sympathetic looks. 

Yea. In the last two days I haven't changed much physically, except for those damn shadows. But I have grown up so much inside. So much more than I ever wanted to.

And the worst is, Squall knows. He knew I would have done anything for him back before even I knew I loved him. And now he knows I'd sell my soul for him. Thankfully, he doesn't use this to his advantage. But we both know that there is no limit to what he could ask me to do. 

And the stupid thing is, I'd drop everything if he'd just give me a chance. Take me as his lover. I'd do anything for _that_ too.

And I guess that makes me the most pathetic fool of all.


End file.
